On the Receiving End

A week in sunny Gulu has passed quickly. I am adjusting to the heat surprisingly well and have settled into the place quickly, with no qualms about navigating my way around the rustic township. The babies home in Gulu is well organized in many respects and while there will always be room for improvement, I feel there is less work for me to do here. Rather, it appears there is work to be done here in me. :/

Throughout my trip, God has been speaking to me about intimacy and intimate relationship. There is truly no place like the mission field for reminding you of your woundedness and self-limiting beliefs. I am being shown the full extent to which, through fear and mistrust, I keep everyone and everything at arms length - which, in turn, is preventing me from reaching my fullest potential and realising God's purpose for my life.

For example, I've never been much good at prayer and now I'm beginning to understand why...prayer IS intimate relationship. Open, trusting, surrendered communion and worship, with God. I've never felt at ease socially and feel particularly useless at building relationships. Well hello...!? I've also come to understand responsibility, even, as a form of intimacy. I have resisted putting myself alongside anything, standing for a worthy cause, making decisions that will make a mark on the world, or committing myself to anyone least my unworthiness be revealed. I've been keeping God at a distance for a long time too. I have realized that when I pray and fellowship with God, it's the Father, by his Spirit that I commune with. I don't have a sense that I'm talking with Jesus, as such, even though I know and believe that He and the Father and the Spirit are One. A personal relationship with Jesus requires intimacy, openness, vulnerability and trust. It means allowing him to see all my flaws and failings. What a terrifying thought! But He is calling me into this place.

Here in Gulu the ramparts are under constant assault. The teaching is both edifying and convicting, the people are so open and friendly, the environment is ripe with opportunities to network, sow, water and harvest. Hiding in my comfort zone just isn't cutting it. I am being called out, to meet new people, visit new places, give testimony, attend services, cell groups and devotions and form connections with various ministries. Perhaps the most devastating assault to the defences is the worship here. My heart has been laid bare by the angelic and haunting sound (sight, smell and feel) of hundreds of joyful voices lifted up in harmony, in multiple languages. Of bodies pressing and thronging to get into a church and give thanks and praise. It is both humbling and uplifting. I'll say it again, these folks command the presence of God. They worship with abandon and their prayers are attended by the Holiest of Holies. There really is no place to hide from God! He is determined to pour His love into me. Resistance is futile. Having said that, He is doing so with the tenderest touch - like one would give a bird with a broken wing.

In addition, and in no way a coincidence, the theme of the teachings this week has been around guarding your heart and understanding the spiritual power of your words. I am being called to speak only truth and love over myself and others. I've been reading some good books on transforming prayer and mastering love to help me in this regard; also on identifying what it is that we worship and where it is that we run to. Are there things I prioritize over God? Things I won't let go of? Places I run to for comfort that won't give me what I truly need?

At this point I should add that I'm not particularly enjoying being on the receiving end - not at all comfortable with not being the one who is giving the most. I'm realizing that giving is, potentially, another way of being in control, having power and keeping everyone at arms length. God seems to have other plans for me here. He is laying me low in terms of both energy and motivation to prove a point: that I am not worthy based on what I can give. I am worthy because He has made me worthy...still coming to terms with that wee gem...and left with another question:

Who am I when I'm not trying to be worthy? What work does God have for me once I'm done giving for my own edification?